Since my last entry, much has happened in my life. And instead of simply focusing on love and relationships, I’m going to share with you a story about courage.
My girlfriend was officially diagnosed with triple negative, aggressive breast cancer almost 2 months ago. After her “40 days of hell,” trying to figure out what was going on and what she was going to do about it, she finally chose to get her treatment at the Block Cancer Center in Chicago. Known as the best in class for its holistic approach to cancer, the Cancer Spa (as we like to call it) is a soft, welcoming space that makes its patients feel relaxed and at home. My girlfriend, a long-time mind-body-spirit practitioner, whole foods eater, supplement & vitamin taker found her home at the integrative cancer fighting center.
Every person finds strength in different ways. Some love confrontation and will fight head on. Others are soft spoken and shy, but get their message across. Miriam’s courage comes from her intellect and is fueled by her complete understanding of the situation. Since the day she went to the doctors to check out a lump, she’s been researching online, reading books, reading blogs, reading journals, talking to doctors, nutritionists, cancer patients, cancer survivors, acupuncturists and friends. Ingesting as much information as she possibly can so that she would step in the healing direction that was the right one for her.
Make no mistake…this is a grandiose undertaking. Miriam researches like nobody’s business. Her entire career has been built on this talent. Her courage has been borne out her her natural propensity to gather the statistics and make the decisions that best suit her. Sitting at a Cancer Spa in Chicago isn’t always the popular answer to questions directed to her about her treatment. Taking supplements and vitamins or acupuncture treatments aren’t always elements others understand, but Miriam’s done her homework and she knows what’s best for her.
An hour ago, I sat next to her in her suite (no hospital rooms here, folks) while the nurse accessed her port (or portacath, which is a small medical appliance that is installed beneath the skin to ease the administering of medications) in order to begin her vitamin drip. The poking through the skin is a minor pain compared to other effects of the chemotherapy. Still, Miriam winces and in that moment, I see a warrior in her eyes. She gazes at the wall while the port is being tampered with and the warrior peers out. This is my life. I hear her say. I will live it on my terms.
Warmth explodes in my heart and I’m honored to be sitting next to my warrior girlfriend. The warrior isn’t just one who wages battles and fights in wars. The warrior is a mindset. A characteristic of someone who takes charge of life and shows great vigor, honor, courage, or aggressiveness. This is so much more than winning battles…this is winning life.
When we leave the Cancer Spa today, Miriam will have a fanny pack attached to her with another treatment of chemotherapy, to be administered at a later time. Chrono-therapy (giving the chemo treatment over a longer time period during times when the body’s cells are more ripe to receive it – by the way, this reduces side effects by 50%!!) was another decision that most didn’t understand. The effects of the treatment will take its toll on my girlfriend. Even though her side effects have been mild compared to others, the nausea and fatigue and other effects are inevitable.
And when she’s gazing at me with exhausted, unfocused eyes, I will clearly see her warrior standing strong inside of her. My girlfriend, Miriam the Warrior. Here to tell cancer that it has no place in her body. Here to live life on her terms. Here to thrive.
An hour before my favorite yoga class, my girlfriend and yoga buddy beeped through on my phone. I figured she was canceling and decided I would call her back after my conference call so I could spend some time to chat with her. When I finally got her on the phone awhile later, she explained to me why she had to skip yoga that night.
A lump detected. A doctor’s appointment. A sudden rush of tests and consultations. A biopsy scheduled for the next day.
Cancer.
Breast Cancer.
Aggressive. 90% sure.
Oh god.
My jaw dropped and my eyes watered as I listened to her explain the details. I cared nothing for yoga in that moment (nor for anything I had been complaining about moments before for that matter). I simply yearned to ease the pain and shock she was experiencing. My ears heard nothing but the uncertainty in her voice and my own heart pounding against my chest.
Tonight, on the eve of receiving her test results that will tell her exactly what is going on, I told stories to my friend to make her laugh and forget about her appointment tomorrow. Though we were both smiling when we hung up, her words keep reverberating in my head, “Ever since my mom passed, I feel like I’ve done a good job of truly living in the moment and being aware that every day is a gift. And although these past couple of days have heightened that awareness, I’m more fascinated at just how deeply I’m experiencing every sense – I hear every bird chirping, I feel every piece of plastic my fingers come across, I smell every scent to such an incredible degree. More than ever before, I’m totally here.”
Any of us who stand in my girlfriend’s shoes right now would be feeling the deep sensations just as much as she is. We would sift through the file cabinets of our memories and analyze our current lives and get a pulse for who we are and how we got here. We would finally admit to all those missing files that we were never willing to file and immediately know exactly how to organize them. We would smile with pride every time we saw the paperwork done perfectly. Ultimately, we would be more in touch with who are are than we had ever been before.
In this beautiful moment, how would you feel about your current Love Life?
You see, my girlfriend’s situation got me thinking about some of us women out there who spend time with the wrong man. You know…that guy you know is not your True Love, but you stay with for one (or more) of the following reasons:
1. The sex is incredible.
2. You’ve been together for too long to break it off.
3. You love his family.
4. You have kids together.
5. He’s the perfect guy, except for…[fill in the blank].
6. You don’t want to be alone.
7. You want to wait until someone better comes along.
8. You share too many assets (house, car, company, etc) that would make it way too hard to split.
9. You’re too old to let go of someone who’s “okay.”
10. He’s just such a good guy.
11. You think he’s the best you can get.
If you’re holding onto your current love interest for any of these reasons – or for any others I have not listed - you are simply wasting time. When it comes to Love, this atrocity is two fold – not only are you wasting time with someone who is not going to be part of the depth of love you deserve, but you are also deleting precious moments of experiencing that happiness with your real True Love! Just imagine! If you were my girlfriend, sitting down in the doctor’s office tomorrow and delivered the news that you had aggressive Breast Cancer, who would you want standing by your side? Who would you want to know you’ve experienced great love with?
I do have one caveat regarding #4. I am not a mother. So, I cannot justly give advice based on personal experiences regarding the complexities of a relationship when kids have been added to the equation. I will say, however, that many of my friends have found themselves in the situation where they have done everything they could to harvest the True Love they deserve with their husbands or the fathers of their children and when they finally accepted the fact that True Love was not possible, about half decided to leave [that means half decided to stay in a relationship that was not what they ultimately wanted "because of the kids."] I will not say one option is better than the other. I can only reinforce my belief that every woman (and every man for that matter) deserves and can have the most amazing romantic relationship they can possibly fathom.
Let’s face it. Life is way too short to be spending it with someone who is not what you truly want or deserve.
Just ask my girlfriend.
As you lie your head on your pillow tonight, think deeply and honestly about who you are and what you really want in Love. Then ask yourself if the personification of those thoughts is lying next to you. If he’s not, recognize that there is a first step to ensuring that he will be soon.
In honor of my incredible girlfriend…who is sleeping beside her True Love tonight…
Lots of Love
Planes, trains and automobiles. This was the perfect description of my travel-laden childhood. My mom’s love of travel and exploration always superseded any doubts she and my dad may have had about tugging along their six children anywhere they went. RV’s, Amtrack trains, gorgeous resorts, cabins in the mountains, Disneyland, cruises, lakes, oceans, state parks…we were constantly exploring the intricacies of the United States and sometimes dipping into the Mexican terrain.
Since I’ve left my parents’ house, the travel bug has grown even bigger and expanded even wider. My eyes have gazed upon such places as the Cayman Islands, Paris, the Bahamas, Barcelona, Barbados and Mexico City. This does not even include the extensive exploration I’ve done within the United States!
This love of travel is entrenched deep within me. So, it’s no surprise that I am highly sensitive to how the men in my life have traveled and how we have traveled together. It’s also no surprise that when a lover’s travel personality has greatly differed from mine, the relationship did not last very long. By no means do I aim to place “travel & exploration personality” on the same level of must-have’s on the compatibility scale as financial attitude or spiritual/religious beliefs. However, because exploring is such a core part of what makes me tick, I figured I’d give voice to all of us out there who think that a travel history is one of the sexiest qualities in a man.
Does your travel personality match that of the man in your life?
Okay, wait…let’s back up for a second. What exactly is your travel personality? I happen to believe that the desire to travel to new places and explore new areas of the world go hand in hand. However, those “new areas of the world” could be your own backyard. I could be a traveler at heart and spend quite a bit of time in my own city exploring every nook and cranny! So, thinking that one has to step foot in multiple countries in order to be considered a traveler is not necessarily accurate. As long as you love to see new places, walk new paths and meet new people…you are a traveler and an explorer!
I get cabin fever very easily. As I write this, I’m sitting on my couch gazing out the window every few minutes. It’s a gorgeous day here in sunny Florida and even though I’ve only been awake in the house for a few hours, my bones crave to be outside. I feel like I’m missing out on the “day outside!” My weekends feel stolen from me if I spend any more time than necessary within these walls. How has this played out in my love life and what larger lesson has it taught me about love?
The Vegan (don’t pretend like you don’t have nicknames for your ex’s too!):
A giant buzzer should have gone off in my head when The Vegan told me he had lived in Tampa his entire life and never planned on leaving. But, I was young and of course, had no idea just how important my travel personality was when it came to relationships. The Vegan was a night owl, so when Saturday mornings came around and my limbs were buzzing to jump out of bed and drench myself in the awaiting sun, he would turn over in bed, make sure his blinds eliminated the last drop of sunlight in his room and escape back into the dark cave of his covers until mid afternoon.
Ahhhh!!!! The first few times this happened, I let it slide. I empathized with his exhaustion and laid back in bed with him and forced myself back to sleep. The next few times, I quietly slid myself out of bed and mulled around the dark house, hoping my jostling would wake him up. After once or twice of restlessly sitting inside the house for hours, I changed my strategy. Saturday mornings were now slated for time with the girls! And guess what? I had to leave early in order to meet up with them. 
Don’t worry, Vegan, I would assure him, we can meet up later tonight. We did not last very long.
The Christian
Thankfully, I learned my lesson. The Christian enjoyed traveling (and actually woke up before noon on the weekends). Just a few months into our relationship, he invited me to tag along on his business trip to Paris. Even though I couldn’t tell if he was serious, the explorer in me purchased a ticket the next day and surprised him with the news. A few weeks later, I was walking around the streets of Paris, France, hand in hand with my new man and loving life. How much more romantic could you get?! This was the first time out of the country for the Christian and even though he was open to learning, he was obviously not comfortable with many of the cultural differences. Here’s an example: While he was working one day, I spent the day aimlessly wandering around the city. I wandered into a quaint little neighborhood with skinny streets and hidden stores, eventually walking into a Mediterranean cafe just about the time my stomach told me it was time for lunch. Grateful for the kind service, I handed over my euros for a home made gyro (with french fries stuffed in with the lamb and tzatziki sauce…mmmm!) and sat quietly in the corner of the tiny restaurant with a huge smile on my face. I had no idea where I was, I just knew the people were incredibly friendly, the food was fantastic and I was peaceful. Now that’s traveling! In contrast, the Christian and I spent the next day walking around the city. While he enjoyed seeing new places, he constantly complained about why it was not as good as the US (the people were so much nicer in the US! The food in the US was so much better because there was always more variety!) And when it came time to eat, only one thing would do…McDonalds. Yes, he liked to travel, but our traveling attitudes were completely different. And surprise, surprise…we did not travel together too many times after that.
The Cowboy:
For a desert baby turned water goddess, the Cowboy came with the most precious prize an explorer could ask for…a boat! Though I had already spent years exploring the ins and outs of Tampa Bay, moving through the waters of the upper bay, the intercoastal and the Gulf of Mexico were an entirely new way to experience the city. Almost every weekend, the Cowboy and I would pack up the boat with fishing supplies, food and drinks and head out to sea. I vividly remember the silence of the calm waters as the rising sun peered over the eastern horizon. I used to sit on the back of the boat, my feet submerged in the water and imagine all the fish swimming underneath me. I would gaze upon the buildings and the cars and think they can’t go where I am! Out on the water, I was free.
The Cowboy turned out to be a good traveling buddy. During our year together, we explored the waters of Tampa Bay, the Cayman Islands and the Florida Keys. We were both comfortable in foreign places, adept to change and curious about what was around us. All in all, our traveling attitudes lined up pretty well. Or at least I thought so, until I found something better. A man who not only had the same traveling personality I did, but who also lit a flame under it to grow even more! Introducing…
Mr. Right:
Mr. Right, my Greek God, My True Love, my soul mate…none of these terms really do him justice. However, for the ease of this story, we’ll just call him Chris. I knew Chris was a free spirit the first time I spent time with him. He invited me for a walk along the water during sunset and in the middle of our conversation, he caught a side glimpse of the magical colors painting the sky. Unable to control himself, he exclaimed a guttural, “Wow!” He had me at wow.
Months later, I surprised Chris with a trip to the Tampa Theatre, a historic, 1920’s era movie house in the middle of the city, completely renovated (staying true to its original personality) and almost hidden amongst the office buildings around it. Like two kids, we held hands as I dragged him around and told him the historical stories I knew. His face was in utter amazement the entire time. I immediately recognized myself in his look of genuine surprise and innocent amazement. After the movie finished, he led me to his surprise spot for me…a hidden place on the bay water I had never visited. Although I had been close to that spot many times, I had never known about this place. He put his arms around me as we gazed at the sun falling into the water. I knew I had found my match.
Since then, Chris and I have made a habit of exploring every weekend. Our feet have walked through the streets of New Orleans, Oklahoma City, Sedona, Key West, Montauk, New York, St. Augustine and Los Angeles. Whether it’s a trip to a new beach, a drive through a never-explored-before neighborhood or an endless road trip, our travel bugs have bitten one another and made us even more invigorated about traveling. Even better, our traveling attitudes are very similar. Always open minded, always wanting to learn, always wanting to see, always wanting to experience, always wanting to connect.
Though the compatibility of your travel personality with that of your man’s may not necessarily be as vital as your political or religious beliefs, I don’t think it’s too far behind. I’ve been very lucky to have had such amazing traveling experiences with the men in my life and even luckier to know that I have even more yet to come with Chris. I know this is a huge part of who I am and what makes me happy and therefore, it is vital to the health of my relationship.
So, ask yourself what kind of travel personality you have and how the men in your life have (or currently) measured up.
We’ve all heard the phrase, “Love will come to you when you least expect it.” Many of my friends will concede to this cliche and admit that when they met their True Love, they were not expecting it. And even though this group of friends is not the majority, the single women of the world who want to break up with loneliness and have a romance with True Love cling to this notion of deleting the expectation of love in a very interesting way.
Here’s what happens…
Let’s say Lucy, our modern day I-want-True-Love heroine of this particular story, finds herself sitting on her couch one Saturday night, thinking how nice it would be to actually have a healthy, loving relationship. She begins imagining holding hands with Mr. Right and the two of them walking in the park under the moonlight, talking about their dreams and their life together.
Ahhh…
The pangs of loneliness begin to creep in because, honestly, how many more Saturday nights is she going to have to spend on her couch alone!? She doesn’t allow this loneliness to bite for too long because she knows that sitting alone on her couch is MUCH better than being in a relationship with the wrong man. (Lord knows she’s had enough evidence in her past to teach her that lesson!) So, she sits and thinks instead about all the men she’s met or dated that are gratefully not sitting next to her at this moment. Let’s take Tom for example, the down-to-earth, intellectually stimulating guy with whom she had always had a flirtatious friendship that elevated one night to a steamy session of heavy making out (a night of “heavy petting,” my mom would call it). Though a “relationship” never existed, Lucy spent many nights talking to Tom and hanging out with the possibility of something manifesting. But, alas, nothing ever did. And even though she enjoyed her time with him, she realized that she would rather be sitting alone on her couch than trying to force things to happen with him. Or how about Reggy? The brave man who had asked her out at the Apple store. After a few phone conversations, she met up with him one night after work for a beer. His friend and friend’s fiance were already sitting at the table with Reggy, much to Lucy’s surprise, and two very LONG beers later, Lucy gratefully asked for her check and headed home. Nice guy, Reggy, but not for her.
Feeling better about her date with the couch that night, Lucy suddenly realized that if she didn’t actively look for love, it would of course come find her! Right? What happened next is the natural reaction that many women have when they find themselves in this same place of slight loneliness/unwillingness to settle/disillusioned by dating/believing in True Love (very confusing place…I can’t even describe it in one phrase!):
She decided she was going to be Too Busy For Love. It made perfect sense to her – If I keep myself busy with tons of activities, then I won’t think about Love. And when I don’t think about Love, that’s when it will appear! Now, Lucy already had a very busy life. She was working full time, trying to make some extra income on some side projects, spent time with her friends and made sure to make time to play tennis (she loved tennis and was a great athlete). So “keeping myself busy with tons of activities” didn’t exactly require any extra work on her part. It simply meant that she would shift her focus onto all of these activities, instead of thinking about dating or trying to meet someone special.
What happened next is very typical. Lucy spent the next four weeks immersing herself in her activities. And she thoroughly enjoyed it! She was in the Joyously Single phase of The Single Cycle. Her tennis game got better as she was out on the tennis courts more often. Her side projects were earning her the extra cash she wanted. She was enjoying the success she was having at work. And she was a lot more present with her friends and family. Her heart was full and her laughter was abundant. When people asked her about her love life, she responded with pride, “I’m too busy for love!” believing that in some weird way, Cupid would hear her and think Ah, Lucy…you’re doing great! Your thoughts are not on Love, so of course I will reward you with Love! “I’m too buys for Love!” became her mantra for her love life.
But mantras themselves lose their meaning – they are meant to drown out the noise and bring clarity. So after repeating this mantra over and over again for a month, the essence of it was lost. It became clear to Lucy that she had actually become too busy for love. All the other elements of her life had become so infused with energy and action that she had completely let the door to her heart shut. She realized that if she had had the chance for Love this past month, she wouldn’t have noticed it…she would have been too busy!
What’s more, Lucy realized that she still wanted True Love. She still craved it and longed for it and every time she bluntly stated, “I’m too busy for Love!” she was covering up her true desire for a relationship with the man who was right for her. “I’m Too busy for Love!” had become her way of salving the loneliness and disappointment that she felt for not experiencing the kind of Love she knew she deserved.
Love sometimes comes when you least expect it. However, closing your heart off to the possibility of Love will never give it a chance to find you. Not expecting it and being too busy for it are two very different things. True Love taps us all on the shoulder at different times in our lives. Sometimes we’re out hunting feverishly for it when we find it. Sometimes we have our blinders on, focused on other elements of our lives when it decides to hold our hand. Other times we’re wandering aimlessly around when we recognize it all of a sudden. The point is that no matter what the case, we must always keep our heart open to the possibility of Love. When your heart believes it’s possible, Love will find you…no matter what you’re doing in life.
Being active in the dating world as a “mature woman” is not exactly the easiest gig.
*By “mature woman,” I mean anyone 28 and above. Even though the age of marriage has risen considerably since the time of my mother’s generation, by the age of 28, the questions about marriage and family and serious boyfriends start to emerge. If you’re not married by 28, then by god, you better be on your way there!
I was on the phone with my dad a few months after a breakup, healing well but still needing to talk things out. I was 29 and my recent ex had decided to leave because he just wasn’t in love with me anymore. And even though I knew it was the right move and that this wasn’t the man who I was meant to be with for the rest of my life, my heart hurt deeply from disappointment. My dad, attempting to listen with empathy and care, said something profound:
“You know, Katie…I have to admit that it would be very tough to be in your shoes,” he began. “Your mom and I met in high school, were married by 20 and were able to grow together as a couple.” He paused. “But you’ve spent the past years emerging as an adult on your own, developing your own habits and lifestyles and friends. And while they’re wonderful and totally you, finding someone who now fits together with that is a little more difficult. You’ve already established a lot of yourself…and the man in your life would have established a lot of those things for himself as well. I have to say…I think it gets harder to fit together well with someone the older you get.”
While I wasn’t exactly soothed by his admission of my difficult situation, his words made perfect sense to me and I was glad he said them with such care.
Months later, I was out on a first date, sitting across the table from a guy I had met on eHarmony.com. After 30 minutes of chatting away, my date was a little googly-eyed over me. As he finished telling a story about his home town, he paused and then looked at me with intense, curious eyes.
“Have you ever been married?” I had gone out on enough first dates to know that this was an honest question. “No,” I replied evenly.
“Have you ever been engaged?” he continued. “No.”
“Do you have any kids?” The questions kept coming. “No.”
“Have you ever been pregnant?” My body froze and my eyes widened. “Excuse me?!” I said in anger for the forwardness of the question.
“Do you have an illegitimate child somewhere? Do you have deep psychological issues?”
My eyes burned into his and my lips tightened, ready for a battle of words. I was appalled and couldn’t figure out where the hell he was going with this.
“Well, I’m just trying to figure it out!” He exclaimed.
“Figure what out?” I asked through clenched teeth.
“I mean, there must be something wrong with you, then.” he looked at me flirtatiously, as though I should be flattered by what he was saying. “You are just way too beautiful and you seem to be a really great person to not have had someone snag you up already!” He smiled, seemingly happy with himself for just delivering what he thought was the most creative compliment in the universe.
My ears rang loudly (this tends to happen when I am overflowing with anger). The worst part was, this wasn’t the first time I had heard this comment from a man. As a matter of fact, my level of anger was in direct proportion to the number of times I had sat across from someone and been dealt that line. How mad was I? Just imaging steam coming out of my ears. I think it may have actually been happening.
Because a lot of time has passed between then and this moment, I will share with you a more articulate reaction that I had (and many other women have shared with me as well). I promise it will not contain as many expletives as there were the day of.
I do not settle. Period. Not in life and definitely not in love. Why was I single at the age of 29 and had never been engaged or previously married (which I should NEVER have to justify anyway)? Because no man had come into my life by that point that made engagement or marriage a natural move! I don’t see marriage as an end-goal anyway, so judging my life based on whether I was married or not has never fit into my consciousness.
And there are many of you ladies, just like me, who refuse to settle for anything less than your True Love. Power to you! Remember the most important lesson of all:
Your True Love is out there. No matter what your age. Stick to your guns and never believe that there is anything wrong with who you are or what you want. As long as you’re clear about those things and open yourself up to finding love, you will attract your Mr. Right.
Do not settle.
And wouldn’t you know it…6 months after hearing “There must be something wrong with you,” My True Love appeared. Despite our ungodly old age of 30 (please read the sarcasm) and our deeply ingrained individual habits. We had found one another.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me.
I have a girlfriend who absolutely refuses to join any online venues for dating. No PlentyofFish.com, no Chemistry.com, no Match.com, not even eHarmony.com. Her biggest fear with these sites: “There’s such a high risk in meeting crazy people!” And in her defense, some other friends of ours have had some pretty shady experiences. She experienced online dating years before it became part of our everyday rhetoric, trendsetter that she is. She never had a horrible experience with it. She simply can’t justify utilizing it as an avenue to meet men.
I’m not blind to the fact that there are many of you out there who also share the opinions of my girlfriend. So, I’ve decided to break down the truth about WHY online dating is such a great tool for meeting your Mr. Right and HOW you can utilize online dating as part of your True Love Strategy (by the way, if you don’t know what a True Love Strategy is, or what yours looks like, click here).
First and foremost, your dating attitude must be clear before you approach online dating (or any kind of dating, for that matter). So, ask yourself these questions:
1. What am I looking for? True Love? Or am I just “having fun?” (There is no right or wrong answer to this, but just be aware that I’m taking you down the path to find True Love, not to “have fun”)
2. What kind of men do I want to surround myself with? What kind of man do I want to be with for the rest of my life? What exactly does my True Love look like, act like, feel like?
3. What am I willing to do to meet Mr. Right?
What I’m hoping these questions will help you to discover is that finding True Love begins with understanding YOURSELF first. If you know that you’re looking for True Love, that you want a man who acts certain ways and does certain things and then you open yourself to meeting these kinds of men…then online dating is a perfect slice of the Love Pie for you.
Love Pie: I believe that online dating is just one slice of the pie of your love life. Meaning, it is just ONE of the many ways that you are putting yourself out there and meeting other people. Other slices of this pie could include getting involved in groups of interest (playing tennis, volunteering, church groups), getting “friend referrals” (another blog post for another time), or consulting with a matchmaker. To view online dating as the end-all-be-all for how you’re going to meet men can be destructive. Especially if you don’t get the results you want.
Dating online is a numbers game. It simply opens you up to a larger audience of men…more than you could possibly meet during your day to day life. So, if you’re ready to find True Love and you want to open yourself up to meeting new people, online dating is a great option.
A New Perspective on the Arguments:
1. There’s No Quality Control: How are you guaranteed to meet the quality of men you deserve? How are you supposed to feel assured that there aren’t psycho stalkers out there coming after you? How can you say that you’re never going to go out on a date with a complete jerk? You can’t. By the simple act of signing yourself up for these online dating services, you have the potential to open yourself up to these kinds of situations. However, I don’t consider this any different than the risk we take randomly meeting a man and going out on a date (did you see that he was reading that “ax murderer’s profile” book at the bookstore where he picked you up!?). Even referrals from friends can’t be guaranteed and always pose the risk of blowing up in our faces. Therefore, I believe that if you’re looking for True Love and want to open yourself up to the online dating world, you must play smart in order to avoid these scary situations (just as you would in the offline world!).
2. I Don’t Want to Seem Desperate: Online dating Magazine estimates that more than 20 million people visit at least one online dating service a month (Online Dating Magazine – 2007). 20 MILLION PEOPLE!!! You are NOT DESPERATE if you go online to meet men. You are the norm! And you’re a part of the population that believes in having an ACTIVE role in the process of finding your True Love, instead of just “letting it happen.” In 2002, a Wired magazine article forecast that, “Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love without looking for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because ‘the right books are found only by accident.’ Serendipity is the hallmark of inefficient markets, and the marketplace of love, like it or not, is becoming more efficient.” (thank you Wikipedia). Online dating is not desperate...it’s smart man shopping.
3. I Don’t Have Enough Time: A common argument, to which I will always reply: Online dating can be as intensive or as unobtrusive as you want it in your life. Because it’s an online forum where your interaction dictates how often you’re going out on dates and meeting men, you control the pace and the intensity. Had a rough week at work and haven’t been able to find the time to shave your legs, let alone cyber flirt with a possible match? Don’t worry about it! Letting go of the gas pedal online does not necessarily hurt the process. The question you have to ask yourself is this: How much time am I willing to put into finding my True Love? Listen, I’m a business woman and an athlete. I have been preached to my entire of life that what you put into something is exactly what you’ll get out. The more time and attention I put into training for a swim meet or the more time and attention I put in to systemizing my business, the better the results are going to be. Why would my love life work any differently?
4. But Love is Supposed to “Happen” When I’m not Focused on it: True and False at the same time. I’m almost going to contradict those last few sentences from Argument #3, but pay close attention and you’ll see the subtle difference. Searching for Love requires that you perfect the balance of being highly aware of what it is you want so you’ll know it when you see it, and detaching yourself from the end result. This means that the marriage of being self aware, actively taking part in your love life through dating and ultimately accepting that Love is going to find you when it’s damn well ready is the ultimate place of peace. It’s the “perfect storm” that culminates in the most intense, purposeful, soul mate relationships out there.
No matter how many arguments I give you, choosing to date online is ultimately YOUR CHOICE. I refuse to take the stance that it’s the only way to date now a days. However, I do advocate for utilizing it to fill your Love Pie and assist yourself in getting out there, practicing the art of dating and putting yourself in situations that are ripe for discovering the True Love that your deserve.
To Great Love,
Katie
PS: While there are love (and scary) stories from each of the online dating websites, my personal favorite is eHarmony.com. If you’re a professional woman who doesn’t want to deal with as many jerks just trying to get laid (they’re everywhere, though, ladies…no site can completely eradicate them!), then eHarmony is a great place to start.
PSS: My absolute FAVORITE online dating venue? It’s not even known as an “online dating site,” and yet it’s one of the most organic and fun ways to meet men…Meetup.com. More details to come…
No matter how over an ex you are or how forgetful a date from the past had been, running into someone who fits into the spectrum between these two categories while you’re with your current boyfriend is always a strange experience.
I was sitting in a workshop with my boyfriend the other day when my attention randomly turned to the door. Walking into the presentation was Derek. My eyes noticed him immediately and my body stiffened. Since my boyfriend’s hand was on my leg and felt the movement, he looked at me with the “are you okay?” eyes. I smiled warmly at him, gave him a small peck on the lips and made sure his eyes were back on the speaker before I let mine wander towards Derek again.
I wish I had something juicy to tell you about Derek, but the reality is that I went out on just one date with him. One date. We had met online and after I surmised that we had an abundance of things in common, we met up for dinner.
Have you ever been on a date and even though the guy was cute, the conversation was flowing and there were a lot of things you had in common with him, nothing…happened? That’s exactly how it was with Derek. Great guy. Very good looking. Smart. Tons in common with me. But after an hour or so at the restaurant, there was just no…chemistry.
Neither of us called one another. It was just done. One of those “Dud Dates,” I call them.
I definitely felt heavy emotions AFTER the Dud Date, however. Disappointment. Loneliness. Frustration. Even though it had been obvious that Derek was not supposed to be anything more than a One Date Wonder, I sat on my couch that night and sulked in the mixture of those emotions as I cursed the gods for not giving me the love that I deserved! Why did this have to be so hard! I had at least jumped from the “asshole” category of men to the “good guy” category. But still, nothing was panning out. I didn’t understand!
I looked over at Derek sitting along the wall at the workshop and thought to myself how interesting it was to have both of these men in the room with me. Derek, a good representation of my attempts to find my True Love 2 years prior and my boyfriend, who was the embodiment of my True Love. I let the moment sit with me as I reflected on how much I had changed and grown since I sat at the dinner table with Derek. And how grateful I was for the the road I had taken and for each tear that had fallen the night of the Dud Date with Derek (and the many more that came with the disappointing dates that followed). Each of those experiences had shaped the road that lead me to my man and made me the woman I am today.***
***Okay, if you’re single and reading this, you could very well be angry at this point and saying the following to yourself, “C’mon, Katie! You can’t end it like that! That whole “broken road led me to love” thing is cheesy! Give me something real!” To which I would gladly say…oh, honey…there’s plenty of real to be told. And even though I believe wholeheartedly that every experience I’ve had with men has been a preparation for the True Love that I am now a part of, there are a hell of a lot of stories between then and now. So, stay tuned… 
I was having dinner with my girlfriend last week when our conversation turned to the life of the Single Gal. As two women who have had extensive experience in that realm, we had plenty to talk about. As I listened to her describe her wavering thoughts on being single, I noticed she was talking about something that I had dubbed my personal “Single Cycle” years before.
What is the Single Cycle?
The Single Cycle is the emotional attitude with which you approach your love life.
It consists of 3 parts: Joyously Single, Open to Love, Want Love NOW.
Let me give you an example of how the Single Cycle works:
Jenn has been single for four months. Since her prior relationship ended, she’s established a fabulously active life hanging out with her girlfriends, playing on a tennis league and making her way up the corporate ladder. She loves her life and finds a lot of satisfaction and happiness simply living her life. She appreciates her alone time and rarely, if ever, thinks about a man in her life. Jenn is in the Joyously Single Phase of the Single Cycle.
Two months later, while still having a lot of fun in her routine, Jenn finds herself wanting to go out on dates and flirt a little more. She easily slips into Phase Two, Open to Love. She gives her number to a few guys, creates a profile for an online dating service and starts entertaining the idea of getting into a relationship. This is an exciting time for Jenn, though there is bound to be a few hiccups as she gets to know people.
Somewhere during all this activity in Jenn’s life, she realizes that she actually wants love. She wants a great relationship. She wants an amazing man. Her single status begins to be a lot more noticeable to her: she notices the abundance of couples around her, she begins to feel lonely when she’s home alone, she wants to go on vacation with a boyfriend. And suddenly, she feels a void in her life without a relationship and she Wants Love Now. She’s entered Phase Three.
There are 2 major points to keep in mind about the Single Cycle:
- ALL phases of the Single Cycle are totally okay to feel. They are each completely valid and healthy phases.
- These phases are not necessarily linear. You can jump from Joyously Single to Want Love Now back to Open to Love or vice versa. They change constantly. The changing of your phases does not have a timeline.
If you’re single (or if you’ve ever been single, or think that you might be single in the future), it’s imperative that you understand the Single Cycle. Because once you do, you can accept the fact that you WILL experience all the emotions and feelings that come along with living through these phases. You can find peace in the fact none of these emotions are permanent! Therefore, you know that all you have to do is go with the flow until your single status ends (and remember, your single status is not worth ending until you’ve met someone worth your time and energy!).
Alright, let’s deal with the dragon right out of the gate.
Loneliness.
It’s a feeling we all have felt at one point or another. I remember going to a charity event with a bunch of my girlfriends a few years ago. We walked in, dresses flowing in the hot summer wind and began mingling with a crowd of over 300 people that we barely knew. It was obvious, however, that all the gorgeous people of the area were invited to this party. After speaking to the few people I did know and introducing myself to a few I didn’t, my heart suddenly felt the heaviness of loneliness. Though my memory kept inserting images of my recent ex as an explanation, I knew it was something deeper. My usually bright smile depleted and soon I was running to the bathroom every few minutes so I would have an excuse not to interact with anyone. Grateful my girlfriends wanted to leave early, I found myself home on an early Saturday night. I cried at the loss of my relationship and the void that it left. I cried that I didn’t have a deep connection with anyone at the party. But more so, I cried at the growing weed of loneliness that was overtaking my body.
Loneliness is exactly that: a weed. It’s part of the natural landscape of our lives that we must accept, yet if it’s not properly maintained, it can grow wild and overtake the beauty of a gorgeous garden.
The root of loneliness – the seed of the weed, if you will – is FEAR. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself these questions:
1. Why do I feel lonely if I’m home alone on a Saturday night?
2. Why do I feel lonely when I think about my ex and the fact that they’re not in my life anymore?
3. Why do I feel lonely when I’m at a function and I don’t have someone’s hand to hold?
4. Why do I feel lonely when I think about all the things I want to do with a partner?
There is nothing wrong with wanting human connection and desiring a deep love with another person. However, the fear that threads through all these questions is this: we’re afraid we’ll NEVER have that deep love – that our LONELINESS will last forever.
And that, my dear friend, is just not true.
We WILL have the most amazing love and connection we can possibly imagine! Why? Because we BELIEVE we will. That and we’re doing a lot of smart things to ensure we will have it, like loving ourselves, letting go of relationships that are NOT what we want and creating a clear vision of exactly what we want.
Loneliness is part of the game. The ones who learn how to sit peacefully in the midst of loneliness and accept it will reap the rewards of true love. Because when you make friends with Loneliness, you will choose to love someone out of LOVE and not out of FEAR of being alone.
Whether you’re heavy in the dating scene and searching for the one you click with or beginning to date someone with whom you feel a connection, the location for a date is paramount. Why? Because certain atmospheres offer optimal space for getting to know one another while others are often crowded, loud environments that are not conducive to connection at all. While both types serve their purposes, the list below are the TOP 10 PLACES FOR A DATE – places that will inspire quality conversation, spark potential connections and encourage plenty of creativity in the art of dating. These are a far cry from your typical “dinner and a movie” evenings.
- Coffee Shop: A little cliché, I know, but the magical ambience of a coffee shop cannot be taken for granted. Whether it’s your local shop that highlights its own unique blends or a Starbucks, the aroma-filled atmosphere always creates a space for relaxation, laughter and connection. This is also a fantastic place for first dates because chatting over coffee is less committal than a long dinner – you can actually get to know someone for a brief period of time before you decide to spend a few hours with them. Also, coffee shops always have other people around – a safety must for any first date.
- Neighborhood Park: Cute, quaint little havens that are perfect for sharing time together. Walk around, hold hands and observe what’s going on. This is the perfect opportunity to let the little kid inside of you come out! Get on those swing, climb up bars and slide down the slides! Sit and people watch. If there’s a gazebo, you must dance to the silent music for at least a few minutes.
- Waterside: Whether it’s a walk along the beach, picnicking next to the river, watching the sunset on the island or sitting on a bench next to the water fountain, the relaxing water will always romanticize your date. The soothing sounds, the undulating waves, the breeze of coolness – each of these elements creates a scene that is ripe for snuggling close, talking from the heart and connecting with the vastness of nature.
- Foothills of a mountain: If you’re in an area with mountains, simply find a drivable path – perhaps through a neighborhood whose houses are built on the foot of the mountain, or a barren drive that will lead you higher. Eventually, you will come to a place where you can stop and look out onto the valley below you. Another option is to park your car near the foot of the mountain and hike a bit till you get to a place where you can see down below you. If you do not have mountains in your vicinity, find a tall building. The point is that you want to be up high looking down on the valley or city. It’s a great way to get perspective and create great conversation.
- In the Car: I’m sure this hasn’t made too many other “top 10 date” lists. However, I believe that time spent in the car is ripe for romance and connection. Make an adventure out of your time together. Go get ice cream at the little shop 30 minutes away. It’ll give you a lot of time to talk and discover things about one another. It’s a wonderfully private space and a great way to explore together. Try driving across the state for fun and put in a good audio CD. Time in the car is precious mainly because it’s uninterrupted time when you are forced to pay attention to one another and be creative with conversation.
- Local mom & pop café: The local and unique flavor of any mom and pop café is always a welcome change to the chain gang of restaurants. Usually, they offer flavorful dishes that will stretch your palate within an ambience that sets a relaxing mood. These cafes are the perfect place for you and your date to share stories about yourselves over a homemade dish in a quiet little corner.
- Wine tasting: Find a local vineyard or wine store and make a date out of sampling some local flavors. One caveat here: try not to drink too much. This should be done in the spirit of fun and enjoyment. This is especially effective if one or both of you are wine lovers.
- Your City’s treasures: Tampa has the Tampa Theatre. Phoenix has the Biltmore Mansions. Chicago has the top of the John Hancock building. Seattle has the Space Needle. New York has the Statue of Liberty. Whether these are major landmarks or hidden treasures, hold hands with your date while you explore what’s in your own back yard. Chances are, you haven’t been in awhile and it’s always a great way to explore your city.
- Authentic restaurant: Find the restaurants in your town that are the best at delivering authentic food – the Italian place that makes their own homemade pasta. The Spanish place that has live Flamenco dancers. The Mexican food restaurant where you have to order in Spanish. The Greek restaurant where all the local Greeks are eating. Snuggle close as you try a new meal that was recommended by the chef who’s been there for 30 years.
- On a bike: Riding side by side around your town is a great way to get to know one another and a great way to get some exercise. Meander through interesting neighborhoods, ride through local parks or cruise next to the water. I highly recommend stopping for a bite to eat or sipping on some coffee together.
Your Thoughts